Worst Ideas Ever Read online

  Worst Ideas Ever

  A Celebration of Embarrassment

  Daniel B. Kline

  Jason Tomaszewski

  Copyright © 2011 by Daniel B. Kline and Jason Tomaszewski

  All Rights Reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any manner without the express written consent of the publisher, except in the case of brief excerpts in critical reviews or articles. All inquiries should be addressed to Skyhorse Publishing, 307 West 36th Street, 11th Floor, New York, NY 10018.

  Skyhorse Publishing books may be purchased in bulk at special discounts for sales promotion, corporate gifts, fund-raising, or educational purposes. Special editions can also be created to specifications. For details, contact the Special Sales Department, Skyhorse Publishing, 307 West 36th Street, 11th Floor, New York, NY 10018 or [email protected].

  Skyhorse® and Skyhorse Publishing® are registered trademarks of Skyhorse Publishing, Inc.®, a Delaware corporation.

  www.skyhorsepublishing.com

  10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available on file.

  9781616082628

  Printed in China

  To our wives, Celine Provini and Dawn Tomaszewski, for indulging our slow battle to become sort of famous. Some day we’ll be bigger than Snooki and Bret Michaels put together and that is only possible with your support.

  Table of Contents

  Title Page

  Copyright Page

  Dedication

  Introduction

  FOOD & DRINK

  1 - New Coke—Replacing the Market-Leading Product with One People Hate

  2 - The Taco Bell Chihuahua: “Dogs Just Love Our Food.”

  3 - Alcoholic Energy Drinks: You’ll Have No Idea How Drunk You Are

  4 - Edible Underwear: Finally, Romance Gets Sticky?

  5 - Deep-Frying a Turkey: Bring a Bomb to Your House or Backyard

  6 - Microwave Food: Maybe a Shake Does Not Need to Be Microwaved?

  7 - Death on a Plate: The Krispy Kreme Burger

  STUFF

  8 - The Segway: Two Wheels and a Dream

  9 - The Hindenburg: People Plus a Balloon Filled with Gas and Oxygen Equals Disaster

  10 - The Yugo: Finally, a Disposable Car

  11 - The Apple Newton: What if a Rolodex Mixed with a Calendar Cost $699?

  12 - Atari Jaguar/ Sega Dreamcast/ Coleco Adam: The Game Systems Nobody Wanted

  13 - The In-Car Phonograph: Take That, Eight-Tracks

  14 - Laserdiscs: It’s a DVD Mixed with a Record

  15 - The Female Urinal: Finally, Women Can Pee Standing Up

  THE “ARTS”

  16 - Jar Jar Binks: “Mesa” the Worst Character Ever

  17 - Celebrity Albums: Being Famous Does Not Make You a Good Singer

  18 - Adding a Cute Kid: The Last Gasp of a Dying Sitcom

  19 - CBS Radio Lets Howard Stern Go to Satellite: How to End Your Company in One Contract

  20 - Jay Leno Moves to 10:00 PM: Don’t Worry, Conan, Everyone at NBC Loves Your Show

  21 - Battlefield Earth: Religious Cult Spawns Sci-Fi Bomb

  22 - Cop Rock: Police and Musical Numbers Don’t Mix

  23 - Godfather Part III: Too Much of a Good Thing

  24 - Theodore Rex: Whoopi Goldberg and a Dinosaur Puppet Make $35 Million Disappear

  25 - Worst TV Spin-Offs Ever: A Successful Show Does Not Always Mean a Successful Spin-Off

  SPORTS

  26 - Michael Jordan Leaves Basketball for Baseball: No Really, It Wasn’t a Gambling Suspension

  27 - Legendary Coach Jimmy Johnson Endorses Penis-Enhancement Pill: Go Long

  28 - Major League Baseball Pushes the Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire Home Run Chase: Please Ignore Their Giant Heads

  29 - The XFL: Pro Football Plus Pro Wrestling Equals Ratings Disaster

  30 - Minnesota Vikings Trade Everything for Herschel Walker: Mortgaging Your Future for a Star’s Last Hurrah

  31 - Monday Night Football Hires Dennis Miller: Comedian Makes Games Not So Funny

  32 - The Trailblazers Choose Sam Bowie over Michael Jordan: It Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time

  33 - The Bowl Champion Series: Taking a Bad System and Making It Worse

  34 - The LeBron James Decision: He Spits on His People, Takes His “Talents to South Beach”

  35 - Disco Demolition Night: Cheap Beer and Destruction May Not Mix

  MEDIA & POLITICS

  36 - Politically Getting Ahead of Yourself: Perhaps That Mission Wasn’t Exactly Accomplished

  37 - Stupid, Lying Politicians: Sometimes, You Just Have to Admit You Were Caught

  38 - AOL and Time Warner Merge: Making Way Less with More

  39 - Esperanto: The Language for Everyone as Used By No One

  40 - The Reebok Debacle: Dan O’Brien and Dave Johnson’s Olympic Ads

  41 - Prohibition: The “Noble Experiment” Goes Horribly Wrong

  42 - Celebrity Baby Names: Facebook, Apple and Banjo are Not Names

  Acknowledgements

  Introduction

  Bad ideas happen to everyone. We all wake up one morning and decide that we would look great in leather pants or that we can absolutely pull off those sunglasses we saw Elton John wearing. At some point, everyone not only has a bad idea, but they follow through on it. Whether it’s telling your spouse you want to be in an open relationship or deciding “who needs a plumber, I can fix it myself,” everyone has fallen victim to a bad idea.

  A precious few, however, have been involved in a truly awful idea—an idea so bad that red flags should be flying while warning bells sound. These ideas—the worst ideas ever—stand out because anyone not involved in bringing them into being can simply look at the concept and know what an obvious disaster looms.

  It’s hard to imagine how some of these ideas come into existence and why nobody pointed out the obvious as everyone rushed headlong into disaster. Is it possible that nobody pulled Michael Jordan aside and said, “Baseball? You’re the greatest basketball player ever, maybe you should stick with that.”

  Similarly, it’s also fun to imagine the meeting where someone stood up in front of a roomful of Coke executives and said, “Eureka! I’ve got it. Why don’t we get rid of our beloved product that outsells our rivals by huge amounts and completely change it?”

  Any version of that meeting you can dream up ends in people laughing and suggesting that the person making the suggestion has had too much to drink. Instead, somebody must have said, “Good thinking, Pepsi would never expect that we would take our most popular product off the market. This strategy will really keep them guessing” or something of that ilk.

  Whether it’s the decision to put Whoopi Goldberg in a buddy cop movie where her buddy is a $35-million animatronic talking dinosaur or the one that involved putting record players in Chrysler cars, there are some bad ideas that simply transcend reality. For an idea to be one of the worst ideas ever, you have to consider the idea and not be able to imagine how someone—anyone—wouldn’t talk the person out of it.

  For example, after working for twelve straight hours getting this book ready to go, I turned to Jason and said, “What if we released the book only in Esperanto?” Since he had had a little more sleep, Jason was able to point out why our publisher might have issues with releasing a book in a failed language nobody speaks, not to mention the practical matter that neither of us speaks it. You wonder where someone like Jason was when Vince McMahon pitched the XFL or when Stephen Bochco stood in front of ABC executives and told them about Cop Rock, a police procedural/Broadway musical that actually made it on the air.

  Bad ideas are like bad haircuts as the damage fades with time. Nobody teases me about my pink sk
inny tie from junior high, and my friends rarely bring up the period when I decided that I should sport Pat Riley’s hairstyle. Similarly, I only occasionally still tease Jason about his days wearing the Michael Jackson single glove, and our buddies rarely bring up the period he carried a purse (he still insists it was a “man bag,” which, frankly, sounds worse than purse).

  If you’re the guy that green-lit Battlefield Earth or are the person at Apple who pushed the Newton through, well, I doubt you get off that easy.

  Daniel Kline

  FOOD & DRINK

  1

  New Coke—Replacing the Market-Leading Product with One People Hate

  Up until 1985, the formula for Coca-Cola had remained unchanged for ninety-nine years. During that time, the beverage had become the clear market leader, widely outpacing rival Pepsi in sales and becoming an iconic brand whose logo was recognizable from Tehran to Tahiti. So of course, troubled by this unparalleled success, the executives in charge of the Coca-Cola empire decided to change the formula, making it sweeter and more like its less-successful competitor.

  Introduced on April 23, 1985, “New Coke” sparked an immediate consumer outrage. While Coca-Cola executives claimed they had introduced the new product to “reenergize the brand,” the move had the opposite effect: leaving customers feeling betrayed and angry. Basically, the company had taken a drink beloved by millions—partially because it was an American classic that never changed—and changed it just to shake things up.

  The original announcement of the change actually led to die-hard Coke fanatics buying and stockpiling large quantities of the beverage and storing it to drink after the new product was introduced. Actual protest groups including “Society for the Preservation of the Real Thing” popped up, and Coca-Cola’s 1-800-GET-COKE line was flooded with complaints.

  Anger at New Coke was so strong that the company was forced to bring back the original formula a mere seventy-nine days later on July 11, 1985. The revived original brand dubbed “Coca-Cola Classic” was sold alongside its much less popular, doomed replacement for a few years, with Coca-Cola attempting to market New Coke to younger audiences who presumably enjoyed sweeter beverages. Eventually, New Coke was renamed “Coke II” before it was taken off the market in the United States—though it continues to be sold in some foreign countries.

  The swiftness with which Coca-Cola reintroduced its original formula has led to much speculation that the entire New Coke introduction was merely a marketing ploy to get people excited about the brand again. Though marketing personnel at the company probably wish that had been the case, Coke’s executives have always denied that there had been any plan, insisting that they were actually dumb enough to decide to change what wasn’t broken.

  Worst Soda Spin-Offs Ever

  Crystal Pepsi. The makers of Pepsi were so sure that their clear cola product would be the next big thing that they spent millions of dollars licensing Van Halen’s hit, “Right Now,” for its launch campaign. Though ads blanketed the country and many people likely sampled the beverage after its 1992 introduction, few liked it, and it disappeared from shelves before the end of 1993.

  Seven Up Gold. This product mixed 7Up’s vaguely lemon-lime formula with cinnamon, resulting in a sewage-brown soft drink that vanished from stores so quickly that many today still doubt its existence.

  Pepsi Blue. Introduced in 2002, PepsiCo’s Web site described this product as a fusion of berries with a splash of cola and claimed the blue-hued soft drink was created by and for teens. Teens, apparently, didn’t like their own creation—seeing as it is no longer sold.

  Pepsi Kona: Surprisingly, the people at Pepsi are responsible for an awful lot of truly terrible beverages. This one was a coffee-flavored beverage that was hyper-caffeinated. In some ways, this was the grandfather of the energy drink craze as Pepsi was truly ahead of its time in creating a highly caffeinated drink that tastes awful.

  The Jones Soda Holiday Pack. The Jones company has gotten a lot of publicity over creating wacky flavors that nobody wants. Still, however, there’s a difference between making key lime pie soda as a publicity stunt and unleashing these monstrosities on the drinking public. The holiday pack included the following flavors: Brussels Sprout with Prosciutto, Cranberry Sauce, Wild Herb Stuffing, Broccoli Casserole, Smoked Salmon Paté, Turkey & Gravy and Corn on the Cob.

  2

  The Taco Bell Chihuahua: “Dogs Just Love Our Food.”

  Sometimes fame does not accurately measure success. That can certainly be considered the case for Gidget, the Taco Bell Chihuahua. Perhaps the most famous pitch-dog since “the original party dog” Spuds McKenzie, the Taco Bell Chihuahua appeared in a very popular series of commercials for the low-priced taco chain. As these ads ran, the dog became a legitimate celebrity. Toy figures were made. The Chihuahua appeared on TV, shirts, and well, if a dog can be star, this one certainly was.

  Much like Clara Peller and her famous “Where’s the beef?” catchphrase, the Taco Bell Chihuahua first achieved stardom for its trademark saying, “Yo quiero Taco Bell.” This line also appeared on T-shirts and became one of the more ripped-off advertising slogans. Much like the way versions of What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas got turned into “What happens at Marty Goldstein’s Bar Mitzvah stays at Marty Goldstein’s Bar Mitzvah,” the “Yo quiero” line was everywhere in every ridiculous form possible.

  The dog also managed to briefly make the line “Drop the chalupa!” popular when, for some reason, that particular phrase was briefly picked up by various SportsCenter anchors. Still, all this notoriety seems like a positive thing, as the Chihuahua certainly raised Taco Bell’s brand awareness. Unfortunately, while the dog was famous and more people knew about Taco Bell, less people actually ate there. A talking dog who loves your restaurant’s food, it seems, while cute, does not exactly send the right message to the public. Instead, it apparently sent the message, “Our food is dog food,” and despite the wildly popular (and expensive) ad campaigns, sales actually slumped for the chain.

  Perhaps more importantly, Taco Bell not only decided to use a dog in its commercials, the chain decided to use a dog typically associated with Mexican people. Though Taco Bell sells Mexican food, choosing a Chihuahua as its representative seemed more than a little like stereotyping—a fact not unnoticed by the Hispanic community. This was not helped by the fact that the dog was often depicted as a Mexican revolutionary wearing a beret or as a bandido wearing a sombrero. Taco Bell stopped short of dressing the dog as a maid or as day laborer, but the damage was done, and ultimately, the commercials were pulled due to pressure from Hispanic groups.

  To make matters worse, in 2003 Taco Bell lost a lawsuit brought forth by two Michigan men who had pitched the concept of the Chihuahua to Taco Bell six years earlier. Taco Bell had turned them down but went forward with the campaign with its advertising agency, TBWA. A jury awarded the two men $30.1 million in compensation plus nearly $12 million in additional interest. To get its money back, Taco Bell sued TBWA, claiming that the agency should have been aware of the conflicts. In 2009 a three-judge federal appeals panel ruled against Taco Bell.

  Gidget was put to sleep on July 21, 2009, after having a stroke in the home of her trainer. The globally famous dog and beloved spokesperson was cremated, and her ashes were retained by her trainer.

  The Noid

  A media sensation like the Taco Bell Chihuhua, the Noid was an evil character with rabbit ears in a red suit who constantly attempted to ruin Domino’s Pizza. The commercials used the catchphrase “Avoid the Noid,” and there was even an “Avoid the Noid” video game spin-off based on the character. Of course, the Noid was constantly thwarted in his attempts to ruin the Domino’s pizza.

  The problem here is, of course, that no cartoon character was needed in the 1980s to ruin a Domino’s pizza. People ate Domino’s because it was convenient (they delivered) and quick (it was free if they took more than half an hour) so the minimum wage delivery people regularly risked their lives getting
it to you. Nobody ate Domino’s because it was good pizza. The only way the Noid could ruin a Domino’s Pizza would be if somehow he added even crummier ingredients, which would be hard as Domino’s Pizza tasted like it was ketchup smeared on a cardboard box. Domino’s even acknowledged that fact in a series of commercials that began in 2010 that acknowledged that its pizza was terrible.

  3

  Alcoholic Energy Drinks: You’ll Have No Idea How Drunk You Are

  Though most people think of alcohol as being something that makes them feel good, it’s actually a depressant. A few beers or a couple of belts of whiskey might relax you, causing you to let down your guard and enjoy the party a bit (or maybe a lot) more, but booze is actually a major downer. In addition to lowering inhibitions, a few drinks will also slow down your reactions, impair your vision and generally make you sleepy. So, while you’re dancing at that party with a lampshade on your head, you’re actually in a depressed state and that effect is what actually stops most normal people from drinking to excess. Either we get sleepy and leave the bar or if we’re imbibing a little too much we pass out (and hopefully a friend rolls us on our side).

  Energy drinks have exactly the opposite effect. These beverages—like Monster, Red Bull, Venom, Krunk!!! and many others—contain a lot of sugar and a whole lot of caffeine. Most energy drinks have way more caffeine than a similar-sized coffee and people tend to drink energy drinks in much bigger containers than your typical cup of coffee. Used properly, energy drinks are a way to pep yourself up in the morning or during a long night of studying. Used in excess, energy drinks can make you twitchy, paranoid, and somewhat immune to sleep.